April 21

I was going through an old notebook in my room, and I found a "diary" entry. I say "diary" because I never was very good at writing daily in a journal.


"I just hate it, I hate that I'm sick. I hate shoving pills down my throat. I hate that I'm not better, that they're not working. I hate that I don't know what I want for my life. I hate that the college that I loved and was really happy to go to doesn't have the accreditation I apparently need. I hate that that adventure was ripped away from me. I hate that I feel my only option is to go to a school that I don't like that much. I hate that I can't be a good girlfriend. I hate that I make hi life awful. I hate that I get jealous so easily now. I just wish I wasn't like I am."



I am so so so thankful for where God has brought me in my life. He brought me to the school I love, and brought me out of a relationship that was detrimental, and slowly, day by day, He's healing my body. His timing is perfect. He brought me through all of those things. I'm not sure why I had to experience what I've experiences, but I know that it's in His plan, and He'll use my story for His glory.


<3 MG

April 15

It was a doodling day while working the desk at work.

I was so unsure when I bought this dress on that trip to visit Paige. However, it really is my favorite dress. This is like the sluttiest dress I own though. I feel semi-awkward when wearing it. But I love it... I'm weird.

I think I finally got a picture of his face! But look at him, he's so indifferent.

Bro date!

Angry dark skies + rain + traffic = no bueno bro date

As we were walking inside Blue Coast Burrito, a man asked us for money for gas (we didn't have cash on us)... he also started this conversation by telling my brother "Sorry to bother you and your girlfriend, but..." TOTES AWK.

He had to re-construct his burrito.

I finally got some Hunger Games nailpolish! It's black with blue-ish/green-ish sparkles.

Bro is such an artist.

Charles decided to like my leg for like 10 minutes straight. It was weird.

Oh Charlie.

Another bro date with Joel this time! We went to go see the Hunger Games!

This seems like a fine example of an Saber X-stool.

Console and mirror-esque

Obviously a variation of Hepplewhite's shieldback chair.

Chloe and I on Easter.

Easter nails.

I don't think it's safe, but I mixed Clorox cleaning spray that had bleach in it with Windex.

We're weird.

I finally went to a lacrosse game! Heeyyyyyy 24 ;) I guess I could tell you that this and this and this and this and this are all about 24. I think, in relation to one of those posts, that I'm not over it. In fact, there have been some recent *cough cough* events that are just too indescribable for words. One being, he gave me his number :) I just... I just couldn't even that night. It was too perfect. I talked to him at this game too. His actions made my friends speculate some. I tried really really hard not to read into anything. But it was really hard not to when a response from him starts out with "Oh my. If I wasn't so happy that you showed up I would call you out for the sarcasm." I know pretty much nothing has changed. I know that he probably wants the other girl. I know it's not going to work out. I'm too awkward. Even though he's perfect, he deserves someone perfect for him. I just... I just can't help but thinking that maybe there's a reason for all these things that have happened in the past week. I know though that the only reason is he's bored, and he's nice. I'll just keep pretending. It's nicer that way. Crap. I'm only 98% percent sure he doesn't read this. Oh well.

He's on the other side though. I didn't want to be awkward.

Kelly did macaroni and cheese in the crock pot! It's was interesting to heat up the next day.

Scenic overlook going to Chattanooga!

Anna, Becky, and I were the only ones from the housing and design club to go on the Chattanooga trip. It was SO much fun though.

I was high out of my mind when I wrote this grocery list. And by high out of my mind, I mean I had just woken up from an hour nap that I took while trying to get rid of my headache. The headache came from gallivanting around Chattanooga with only three hours of sleep under my belt. I really did need to go to the store then though. Apparently all I needed was milk, a chihuahua, and dinner.

Ummmm...

it's been awhile.

Sorry!

So,

I realized,

like,

the day after my post from before Easter,

that I lie.

And exaggerate.

But yeah,

as if I could ever just sit there in a corner and cry.

That's not me.
I think it was the day after,
I went outside
for like four hours
and washed my car, the dog, and my mothers car.
That was after I drove to Cookeville and back.
I don't take it sitting down do I?
I guess the occasional meltdowns
when I'm really stressed
are just my way of dealing with it.
I hold the emotions for as long as I can,
throw a fit for a good hour,
and then move on.
I truly do have the maturity of a five year old.
Awesome.


Thankfully,
God has been good.
Walter's bag stuck until Thursday.
I think it was that one at least.
And this one has held too.
Also,
he hasn't been bleeding.
Or he wasn't when I changed him.


I have Vanderbilt appointments this Thursday and Friday.
I think I may go visit my Daddy Friday after!
He works in Nashville,
and I have yet to see his office.
Maybe he'll take me to lunch!
Oh you know,
that's me.
Always looking for food.
But seriously...
like...
yeah.



Ummm,
hey though.
Can I tell you secrets?
Duhhh I can 

  4/10/12
and
4/13/12
were some of the greatest nights of my life.
Okay,
relative to some things they were.
But,
yeah :)
Speculate that!



<3 MG

April 8

Happy Easter to all!

Today was pretty wonderful,

tuhh be real honest witchu.

Easter service was really good.

Brother Ken shook it up with a message from 1 Kings.

Yeah,

you try preaching Easter out of the Old Testament,

it's not as easy as it seems.

The choir and orchestra was kicking though!

Afterwards, 

my family and I went to my Great Grandmother's house

to celebrate.

That's my Mom's side.

I loved that.

I don't think I've been to one of their family functions

in well over a year.

It was nice to see everyone.

But.

There were so many preggo women and random kids.

I feel like there's always someone new there.

Anyways,

there was lots of candy too.

But most importantly,

today we celebrated the fact that

Jesus rose from the grave.

He died,

and three days later

He was alive again.

It's so...

mind blowing.

He is so miraculously powerful.

Our God died for us,

and then came back to life,

and yet we constantly doubt His power.

That makes us look like the biggest idiots of all time.

I also have to thank God,

because Walter's bag held from Saturday morning to tonight,

well,

Sunday night I guess I should say.

It's not as long as it should be,

but I'm thankful that I didn't have to deal with any mess during festivities.

I hope God will let this bag stay.

However, 

I have noticed that Walter has been bleeding.

It's normal for a little blood,

but this is more than the spot or two there usually is.

It's enough to concern me.

I'm dead set now on calling the Wound Ostomy Nurse at Vanderbilt tomorrow.

If only I can find the number...

Oh well.

I'll Google it.

That's valid, right?

It's so crazy though.

I basically have two weeks until my next appointment,

three until Dad comes up to get some of my stuff,

and just a month until school is officially over.

It's sort of scary that my Freshman year just flew by.

It's been a whirlwind of sickness,

school work,

frustration,

socializing,

and hospital visits.

I know God has a lot in store for me next year too.

Can I do a small...

comparison, if you will.

Yeah yeah, this can turn into whining at any second. Blah Blah Blah.

 I think,

I may be the only girl on the planet

who is semi-normal,

who can go through her entire first year of college,

and not have a guy like her.

I guess I just have to accept that it's truly

not

in God's plan for me right now.

I guess I understand.

Going through this with someone,

would be an ordeal.

Honestly,

I wouldn't go through this with someone,

unless I knew I was going to be with them forever.

Plus,

experiencing this with someone who I wouldn't marry,

it just gives part of me

and my memories

away to someone.

And I can't get those back,

and they can't get rid of them,

and my husband will never have them.

Not that he'd necessarily want those memories,

but the fact that he experienced a life-changing event with me.

That tends to draw people closer.

So for now,

I have you to spill it all to.

Anyways,

my computer is yelling at me that it's out of power.

Goodnight, lovelies.

<3 MG

 

April 6

Today has been miserable.

Just,

terribly

and utterly 

miserable.

I just want to quit school again,

and lay in bed for the next two months.

Walter literally did everything he could to push me to a mental breakdown

and it worked.

My mom sent me to my room/to bed

after being ugly to my brother.

Because he wanted ice cream.

I was already planning on eating it.

And there's not much left.

And I want it.

But now I have neither ice cream 

nor someone to listen to me.

I just want a hug.

I want someone to care

and to just hold me.

I want to be five again,

when people told you everything was going to be okay

and they held you

and gave you lollipops.

Now,

everything goes wrong,

and I'm responsible for it.

I'm responsible and no one cares to hear anything else.

"Well why didn't you bring more bags home?"

"Those were the last, I don't have any more."

"Why didn't you tell me before?? BLAH BLAH BLAH!"

"I didn't realize I was that low, and I didn't expect Walter to go through three weeks worth of bags in one sitting!"

I am so tired of living life like this.

I am so tired of being paranoid,

afraid,

and reserved.

I am so tired of feeling gross.

I am so so so incredibly tired of having crap leak out my side,

and feeling like everyone can see.

Like everyone knows what I'm hiding.

I just want to quit.

Quit school,

quit trying,

just quit.

 Walter can't be that much of a pain 

if I just sit in a corner and cry for the next two months,

can he?

I just don't know if I can mentally make it.

I don't know what's wrong with him,

or me,

or the supplies,

but somethings wrong.

I hate this.

Today, 

I honestly just hate my life.

No I don't.

I just am so discontented with my life.

I feel like I'm leading two lives.

One, where I go out shopping and to the movies.

But the second one is always underneath.

Really,

I'm having to buy a ticket to the next showing of the movie,

rushing home because Walter's bag is leaking.

Coming home after the movies and changing it again.

Going out shopping.

Coming home after that to discover that he's leaking again.

-MG

I don't feel like hearts. Hearts are for people who are happy and have people acting like they love them.

Not gross girls who have miserable lives.

Goodnight.

April 6

Words that hurt:

"You're my sister... I can't talk to you."

"You're in college, you're not supposed to know what's going on in my life."

"I just don't want to talk to you."

</3

P.S. Nobody volunteered a pair of arms for me to be held in. 

I could really use some right now.

April 6

Tonight my brother 

told me something

that broke my heart.

I don't know how to fix it.

The only thing I know to do 

is pray.

And have faith that God will heal my heart,

give me hope,

and not to worry.

And pray that He'll do that and more for my brother.

April 2

Before I begin,

you need to listen to this song. 

It may be from crappy Twilight,

but I love it.

A lot.

Like,

it's been on repeat since four yesterday afternoon.

Anyways...

I need this.

I forget how much I need this.

I forget how much of a catharsis it is

to write out my problems.

Talking to people helps.

Thank goodness for my parents. <3

However,

it's not the same as me mulling through my thoughts,

writing them out,

and finding the solutions in my own way.

People can sympathize and empathize as much as they're able to do,

but unless they're in my shoes,

they're not going to be much help.

Honestly too,

I still can tell a difference. 

(Oh by the way, you're welcome for the vague sentences!)

Anyways, 

I can tell the difference between when I blogged and read daily

versus now,

when I haven't read in weeks.

I feel so much farther from God.

I feel so much lonelier.

I feel so much more frustrated,

impatient,

angry,

and like I'm going to meltdown.

Sometime I wonder if Walter's issues are connected to it too.

Because trust me,

Walter has been THE biggest pain in the butt 

that a stoma could possibly be.

Okay,

that may be a lie.

He could be a whole lot worse.

I should be grateful for how smooth God has made this entire process.

It's just been a train wreck though.

I guess it all started last Monday,

or at least the biggest part did.

 I think Gabby was ready to be changed.

So I changed it.

And went about my day.

Bag Count:1

After my first class of the day, 

I had to change it again.

However, that bag wouldn't stick.

Bag Count: 2

The last one stuck a few hours

until I had to change it that night again.

And another bag didn't stick.

Bag Count:2

That brings our total bag count for the day to 5 bags.

However, it technically needed to be changed even after that because it was leaking through the sticker

but hadn't reached the outside yet.

I just let it slide until the next morning,

me being the lazy person I am.

Normally,

you're supposed to change a bag every three days.

I used about three weeks worth of bags.

That last bag Tuesday morning lasted me until Thursday night.

Walter thought he could trick me,

but I WON!

I AM THE MASTER COMMANDER!!!

That's an Olan Rogers reference if you didn't catch that.

You can find the specific video here.

Anyways,

I caught him before he leaked all the way through the bag/sticker.

I had to change him Sunday morning too.

I can justify that shorter amount of time though.

We went on a hike Saturday.

I got sweaty.

Sweat and stickers don't really mix, by the way.

I toootttalllyyy know you wondering.

TODAY.

Today tried my patience though.

I had to change him again.

I JUST GAVE HIM A FREAKING NEW BAG YESTERDAY.

Well I changed him this morning.

Then the bag didn't hold,

because I had to change him right after lunch.

On top of all that,

I completely missed EVERYTHING we covered in Stats.

I had to try to register.

That involved finding out I needed to add two labs to my schedule,

try to make those fit,

discover that no matter which way I tried it

economics was not fitting into my schedule,

(I REALLY needed to take that this next semester)

and every other option was not valid to fill my schedule 

until I found this computer applying to business class thing that I have to take.

Lame.

Lame to the max.

 Grodie to the max.

Anyways.

Do you know how naturally gifted I am at stats?

NONE. EL ZIPPO. ZIP. ZAP. NOPE.

I hate stats.

With a passion.

The only reason I'm in it

is because my adviser advised me to.

I would much

much much much

much rather be in college algebra.

I can do algebra.

I kind of even like algebra.

Who, what... me?

No way.

Yes...

Whatever.

Anyways,

I'm mentally tired.

Or depressed.

Not depressed in an actual way.

Just like,

I can feel a mental breakdown coming on.

I'm going to need a good cry session soon.

And having that feeling is just like a dragging gloom in the back of my mind.

It's ridiculously dumb.

I would gladly welcome a mental breakdown.

I may look and act like I'm five,

but I feel so much calmer and in control 

and able to do something after.

Now,

let's talk about boys.

Yes, this is my time to complain.

My blog, my rules.

I still love you though.

 If you bothered to listen to the song,

it's about love.

With all this stuff going on with Walter,

I just feel so alone.

Like,

I have my friends and parents to talk to,

but I just need a hug.

An extended hug.

Arms to fall into 

to feel safe

warm

loved

cared for

understood

and to de-stress in. 

I know I've said it a lot,

but it's a constant want in my life.

Which I guess is another thing that comes along with not reading every day.

I haven't prayed for my future husband in a long time.

And in doing so,

I've relied so much more on crushes and longing

than hope and praying.

It's sad.

But, 

if anyone knows a pair of arms willing to take me in,

I'd be glad to take them up on that offer.

Until then,

<3 MG

And of course,

an update via Instagram:

Uh, Hunger Games premiere. Need I say more? Yes, I do. I made this. I can make you one. $15 please, cash only! ;)

It's not that dangerous to take pictures while driving, right? I just couldn't resist.

Needless to say, that drive in happened on a blustery day!

This is the face that I give to guys who hoot and holler from their car. Yeah, that happened.

Sorry, I just needed another picture to update one of my profiles with.

RED BUS PROJECT. CAPS BECAUSE IT IS AWESOME. Anyways, this is the opener, Parke Avery. He's pretty cool. Check him out.

CALEB the band. This time caps because that's the actual name. They're awesome too!

Quite literally, I was in love with the lights. And by in love, I mean completely obsessed. And not in the good way.

Mae Pearls after the concert! A.K.A. frozen yogurt. From left to right: Laura, Kelly (roomie!!), Rachel, and Jessica.

It was better looking when I first got it. This is halfway through and mixed up.

Jeff Bethke spoke at our campus! This was literally one of the greatest things to happen all year. If you don't know who he is, please go watch some of his videos here and here and here.

This is a lake on our little hike.

The group for the day! Kelly, Rachel, Jessica, and Kristin!

Ahhh I finally managed to ENO on campus. This was literally the only spot though. Literally.