Sometimes I honestly,
really
really
truly
believe that I will end up alone
for the rest of my life.
I watch romantic movies
and feel that I will always be alone.
I notice other people too.
Man,
they don't even have to be a couple.
It's just the way that
every
other
freaking
stinkin'
girl on this
entire
freaking
planet
seems to have a talent or special way of talking to guys
that I apparently was born without.
It doesn't even have to be flirting.
It's just talking in general.
There is obviously
something
wrong with me.
I can't talk to a guy,
or even look them in the eyes really.
The most,
and I mean absolute most,
that I really seem capable of,
is maybe looking at their face for a brief second
and giving a little half smile.
I feel like the definition of a failure.
And you know what the worst part is?
Liking someone.
Because,
for me,
I know it'll be like every other guy I've liked.
It will mean me liking them,
crushing extremely hard
for a few weeks.
It may last as long as a couple of months.
But the entire time,
I know they don't like me.
I honestly only know of
three guys who have liked me
(not counting the little kid crushes in elementary school).
This is from sixth grade and up.
1) A guy named James who is...
well awkward to say the least.
I've never,
never
never
ever
liked him.
2) A guy named Trevor who was one of my best friends in high school.
I ended up dating him for a little over a year and a half.
He was my first
and currently last
boyfriend.
3) I'm eating lunch with one of my guy friends last semester who I went to high school with...
Okay let's be clear here so you don't get the wrong impression of me.
So I'm eating lunch with my one guy friend, who I went to high school with, that I actually have,
when a comment slips from his mouth that sounds something like this:
"...when I think I had a thing for you back then..."
Totes awk.
What do I do?
Ignore it and keep a conversation going.
I'm flattered,
granted he's the third guy in my life to actually tell me he liked me,
but in no shape
form
or fashion
do I have even the
teeniest
tiniest
inclination of any of those feelings for him.
Not that he probably cares either,
he's got a girlfriend who he started dating about a month after I started dating my former boyfriend.
I love her though!
She's one of my friends from high school that I don't have to pretend to like.
But seriously,
shouldn't a girl have more than three,
I repeat,
THREE guys to knowingly like her in her life?
Don't I deserve to at least have someone like me
that can actually be cute?
I mean,
I understand,
that by the worldly laws of attraction,
that I'm not attractive enough to have a hot guy like me.
But can't I have someone cute?
Someone who's not awkward or fat or not my type?
Maybe later.
Maybe later in life,
you know,
when guys actually look for girls they think will be good to marry.
Not the hot ones that they want to oogle at now.
My time will come I guess...
I hope...
I pray.
I'm just the type of girl that a guy will want to marry.
And I know I just have to wait
for God to write my love story.
I know I can't write it.
Ha.
If I tried to write it,
I'd just end up a cat lady.
I have,
repeat on high volume,
I have to trust God.
Or else I'm completely hopeless in love.
So,
now I get to sit here for the next amount of indefinite time,
liking this guy in one of my classes.
Because he's cute.
And I feel like I've inferred a reasonable amount of info from seeing him once...
and Facebook stalking.
Although, I am not proud to admit that I Facebook stalked him.
It's a real problem.
I vowed I wouldn't friend request him unless I managed to talk to him in person.
Anyways, I know it'll probably turn out like
every
other
freaking
guy
that I have liked.
But that's okay,
because that just means that he's not the one God's been preparing for me.
In the mean time,
I have friends to keep me company. :)
And I'm thanking God for the new friends he's brought me this semester!
<3 MG
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